At our March First Friday gathering, our teaching focused on the importance and benefits of cultivating and maintaining meaningful connections while navigating life as a single.
As our guiding scripture for this message, we looked at John 5, 1-15 – a Jesus story known as The Healing at The Pool.
But instead of just reading it, we looked at this meaningful illustration through the lens of a clip from the immensely popular TV story of Jesus life, The Chosen. If you’d also like to see it in this way, you can do so via this link.
Perhaps one of the most compelling things for many of us in this story is Jesus’ question, “Do you want to be healed?” More on this a bit later in this post.
As you might imagine, as a pastor, I meet with a lot of single people for counseling of one type or another.
At some point, one of the most common things people share with me and ask for help with is what to do with their loneliness.
A lot of people in America, especially it seems since the pandemic, experience loneliness.
1 in 3 Americans (33%) report feeling lonely at least once a week.
There’s acute loneliness among young adults, with 30 percent of people aged 18 – 34 experiencing loneliness several times per week or more.
Many of us, as we navigate singleness, acknowledge that we sometimes bring it upon ourselves through the sometimes overwhelming desire to isolate or withdraw.
According to the Surgeon General, loneliness has become a public health epidemic.
Loneliness and isolation can create health risks including anxiety, depression, and illnesses like heart disease and dementia.
Social media and the digital age really haven’t helped matters as much as some may have expected they would, as the devices we all carry around have the tendency to give us a false sense of connection.
As challenging as all that may sound, I recently caught a piece on my news feed that featured a woman from San Jose who’s in what she considers to be a real relationship with an A-I generated companion chatbot, a seemingly growing development with more than 36 million downloads of available Apps.
Serious enough now, that it has prompted the American Psychological Association to reach out to Congress and implore them to take action toward an industry that is so far, largely unregulated.
Left unchecked, it’s hard to predict what sort of mayhem might result if we’re (quite literally) left to our own devices in our desperation for connection.
American Psychological Association member and Director of Healthcare Innovation, Vaile Wright points out, “Real relationships have a sense of give and a take, but using an A-I Chat Bot is basically all take, all the time.” “And while it might help in certain circumstances, I don’t think it’s going to meet the real, deep-down psychological need that people who are lonely have.”
It’s an industry projected to generate more than $70 Billion in revenue in the next six years.
As you might imagine, there is a lot of potential for abusive fraud through scams and identity theft. Concerns about many of these apps being generated and run by overseas companies, and individuals’ personal information being collected, shared and utilized by these apps, has privacy and safety advocates sounding the alarms.
And yet, despite the amazing abilities these devices we carry around with us offer to connect us, many find themselves more isolated and feeling more disconnected than ever before.
Could it be that as a culture and society, we’ve pretty much all but lost the ability to connect more directly with one another through things like (dare I say) letters, phone calls or talking face-to-face and in-person?
People need people. People crave real connection.
Hebrews 10: 23-25 is a literal call to be empowered by God to do life together. As the Body of Christ, we are called to be living proof of the hope we have in our loving God.
We were simply not created to do life alone. We need living, breathing friends, directly in our midst. Not companion bots, not just communicating with people online while we’re playing a video game, not just through texting or instant messaging or even just through a video chat platform like FaceTime or Zoom.
Don’t misunderstand, these can all, perhaps have their place and be potentially great tools when used in balance with genuine, human, face-to-face, in-person contact.
Catch, that the operative words here are “in-balance.”
It’s one of the reasons that at North Coast, we believe being active in church and participating in a Life Group every week and having communities like our Single Adult Ministries matter so much.
Ongoing, regular, in-person connection with real-life people have positive effects on our well-being.
But the reality is, no one can force you to do this. It’s a choice each of us gets to make.
And while what I’ve shared so far may help in answering the “what” and the “why” of the issue, I recognize it may fall a bit short of helping to answer the “how.”
So, in this post, let’s begin to explore what a person can do (the “how”) to overcome the pesky habit of isolation and withdrawal and become and stay more connected.
To do so, we’ll borrow from and repost this collection of good ideas found from (where else) a compendium of digital resources.
Please take note that these suggestions are for informational purposes only. If you feel you may be suffering from extreme social withdrawal or other significant hermitic or isolative behaviors, for medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please consult a professional.
Experts suggest that to overcome isolation and withdrawal, actively seek social connection by joining groups, volunteering, or reconnecting with loved ones, and prioritize self-care through activities and healthy habits. If needed, seek professional help and build a support system.
Address what’s causing you to want to be alone. Reach out to your friends or family members, even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. Research shows that spending time talking with family or friends improves your mood and has a positive effect on health.
Here’s a more detailed breakdown of known, effective strategies and tactics to combat isolation and withdrawal:
- Initiate Connection and Build Relationships:
- Engage in Social Activities: Participate in hobbies, join clubs, or take classes that interest you.
- Volunteer: Contribute to your community and meet new people through volunteering.
- Reconnect with Loved Ones: Make an effort to stay in touch with family and friends, even if it’s just a quick phone call or text message.
- Seek Out Online Communities: Connect with others who share similar interests or experiences through online forums or groups.
- Get Out of the House: Take walks, visit local events, or simply try engaging in activities outside of your home.
- Adopt a pet: Having a pet can bring immense joy and companionship into your life.
- Prioritize Self-Care:
- Practice Relaxation Techniques:
Engage in activities like yoga, meditation, or deep breathing to manage stress and anxiety.
- Take Care of Your Physical Health:
Ensure you get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, and engage in regular physical activity.
- Engage in Enjoyable Hobbies:
Make time for activities that you find fun and rewarding to boost your mood and reduce feelings of isolation.
- Self-compassion:
Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, acknowledging your feelings with empathy and consideration . Who you are and how you think today doesn’t necessarily have to be who you are and how you think in the future.
- Seek Professional Help When Needed:
- Talk to a Therapist or Counselor:
If you’re struggling with persistent social withdrawal or feelings of loneliness, seek professional help.
- Consider Group Therapy:
Participate in group therapy to connect with others and develop coping skills.
- Identify Underlying Causes:
Seek professional help to address any underlying conditions contributing to social withdrawal, such as depression or anxiety.
- Foster a Strong Support System:
- Reach Out to Trusted Loved Ones: Talk to family, friends, or other trusted individuals about your feelings.
- Build a Network of Supportive People: Connect with individuals who offer encouragement and understanding.
- Be Aware of Social Anxiety
- Start Small:
If you are struggling with social anxiety, begin by engaging in small social interactions and gradually work your way up to larger gatherings.
- Identify Triggers:
Try to determine what situations or people trigger your anxiety and then develop strategies to cope with them.
- Practice Relaxation Techniques:
Use relaxation techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to manage social anxiety.
To the paralytic who’d been in his condition for some 38 years, after what at first may have sounded like a ridiculous question (Do you want to be healed?) Jesus then asks what may, at the outset, have seemed straight-up impossible. (“Get up.”)
Another way this might be said for us today is, “Quit doing the things that haven’t allowed you to progress and move forward and start doing something different.”
You see, like the paralytic, we, too can learn that we don’t need to remain stuck. We do well when we open our hearts and minds to a different course than we’ve been on. And how, if we’re willing, with Jesus, all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)
Once we’re re-engageed, Jesus makes a call to progressive action. (“Pick up your mat and walk.”)
You see, while Jesus is all powerful and can do anything He wants in our lives, ultimately what He really seems to want, is for us to play a part in our own healing. So He’s given us the gifts of things like free-will and choice.
If we want real change in our lives, we can no longer be sedentary and simply wait for Jesus to change our circumstances.
Finally, He removes any possibility for a relapse. (“Take it with you.”) Jesus expects continuing progress toward success. In essence, he says, ‘You’re not coming back here again. We’re done with the pool and its uncertain promises. We’re done with this old life. It’s a new life. Put your old life behind you.’
As you can see, overcoming the desire for isolation and withdrawal begins with a choice and then continues as a process.
A process in which each of us has a part to play.
There’s God’s part. He’s created us for connection and offers alternatives. He’ll place opportunities for healthy, meaningful community and friendships in your midst and invite you into the best and most important relationship you could ever be a part of. But, at some point, you have to be willing to answer His invitation to act; to “pick up your mat and walk.”
Learning to be content, live out your purpose in the single life, and maintain meaningful connections are all part of a process, one in which I believe we have to be willing to learn.
It’s a process that when you make a conscious, intentional decision to seek first, as the 6th Chapter of Matthew teaches, The Kingdom of God, then all these things can be added to your life, as well.
It’s making the intentional, conscious decision to genuinely follow Jesus and make him both the Lord and savior of your life.
Jesus shows up and stays put when others walk out.
If/until your relationship with Jesus is in place and active, really, no other relationship can ever be as meaningful or rewarding.
Include him every step of the way and open yourself up to the community He provides and places in your path. Let your heart be quiet and open to His loving inspection, correction and direction. (Psalms 51, 119 and 131)
Because it’s then, I believe because I’ve experienced; it is then that life begins to take on true meaning and to provide the joy and contentment that ultimately dispels all loneliness and discouragement. Abundance through Jesus. That’s the primary connection we all need to cultivate and maintain.
Don’t just watch and wait for any more water to stir. Cultivate and maintain connection. Pick up your mat and walk.
Pray to accept Jesus’ continuing invitation to be healed as you continue to build relationship with Him and others today and for the rest of your life.
I’m here if ever you’d like someone chat with about any of this.
Right here with you,
Terry