As we celebrate our independence and freedom this week, we’ll do well to remember that both came at significant cost. In addition to the countless thousands who’ve served and even given their lives so that we may experience this freedom and independence, other sacrifices and losses have been experienced so that we may celebrate and relish all that we have. Jesus is our great liberator and redeemer. It’s good for us to pause and ponder, even as we celebrate.
It was interesting for me to learn this week that while our country likely whoops it up with more flamboyance, frivolity, food and fireworks than perhaps any other, it is not the only one to have gained it’s independence from the British Empire/United Kingdom. In fact, since our Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Continental Congress on July 4, 1776, some 64 other countries have now also claimed their independence from the Brits.
Why? Well, while there are no doubt a variety of reasons with many intricate details, I think we can likely boil it down to one basic word; CONFLICT.
Various dictionary definitions exist for the word: con·flict. Noun /ˈkänˌflik(t)
- A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.
- A struggle or clash between opposing forces; a battle.
- A state of opposition between ideas, interests, etc.
- Disagreement or controversy.
People sometimes ask the poignant question, “Is conflict good or bad?”
Perhaps another thoughtful question to ponder for the purposes of this post is; “Must conflict always be negative/destructive or can it sometimes be productive and/or constructive?”
You don’t have to have lived very long to realize that conflict doesn’t just exist between countries and their leaders. Conflict is a human condition that finds its way into all manner of existence and a wide variety of people and relationships.
An important aspect or component of conflict for it to be productive or constructive is that people are willing/able to seek to resolve it. To do the intentional work necessary to bring their arguments, clashes, disagreements, opposing forces, battles, differing interests, controversies, etc., to some form of resolution.
While conflict is inevitable, even among people claiming to be Christ-followers, ultimately God seems to allow it for our growth and good. In this post, we’ll explore how there are good and Godly ways to resolve conflict and then, there’s the other way.
In so many arguments, as one person is seeking to make their point, the other person is busy formulating their reaction. The one isn’t fully listening to the other as they are too busy preparing their counterpoint. It’s tactical gamesmanship and mental scores are being kept. And relationships suffer from it.
In this post, largely derived from a recent teaching by Pastor Greg Laurie at Horizon Christian Fellowship, we’ll learn that it doesn’t have to work that way when we encounter conflict. Scripture provides helpful examples and reasonable instruction on how to manage and ultimately resolve conflict in our lives when it happens. And how to grow and represent well in the process. One of the best ways to resolve conflict is to learn and know how to manage it, practically – and before it happens.
Two imperfect people, in any sort of relationship, are going to experience conflict from time to time.
If you haven’t yet, you are going to need to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy and Biblical way if you desire to be/stay in growing relationships with others.
After all, you are in relationship with others and (hopefully) both of you are interested in keeping it that way.
Let’s briefly consider an example from the Bible of conflict that was ultimately, healthily resolved.
The story takes place in the book of Acts, in the 15th chapter, and verses 36-41 where it is written,
“Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” 37 Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, 38 but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. 39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, 40 but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. 41 He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.
Did you catch the conflict? Two guys, Paul and Barnabas (who also happened to be a couple of pretty smart, single guys), had been such great and successful ministry partners together for so long; with Barnabas having originally built a bridge to other early Christians during his conversion from Saul to Paul. Barnabas had previously mentored and encouraged Paul on so many occasions. But they now found themselves in conflict over a major disagreement whether or not one of their previous companions should join them on their second missionary journey. It seems that John Mark, who’d previously proved helpful, deserted them halfway through their first mission. We’re not told why John Mark bolted, but Paul resented it while Barnabas still chose to see potential in their young friend. So, Paul found himself in conflict with both Barnabas and John Mark (incidentally, Barnabas’ cousin, who later is attributed with having written the book of Mark). He (Paul) didn’t feel he could trust Mark after what he had done. So, he broke ties with them and chose Silas as his missionary companion as he sailed to Syria and Cilicia on his second missionary journey, while Barnabas and Mark sailed for Cyprus.
It’s said that Paul and Barnabas quarreled, partly because they each held such passionate convictions about God’s will. For Paul, nothing could eclipse the mission of preaching the gospel and building churches. If John Mark jeopardized that mission, he should minister elsewhere. For Barnabas, whose name means “son of encouragement” (4:36), the restoration of one sincere Christian worker justified the risk. In one sense, both Paul and Barnabas were right; in another sense, both were wrong: although they were spiritually mature, Paul and Barnabas allowed anger to influence them.
Wow, huh?! Two superheroes of the faith in a pretty major disagreement and conflict. While we’re not told exactly how; it seems Paul and Barnabas were ultimately able to resolve their differences. And evidently, John Mark did eventually live up to his potential to the point where Paul again considered him useful. (See Colossians 4:10 and 2 Timothy 4:11).
But it illustrates the importance, especially as witnesses for Christ, of our being able to learn from those who’ve gone before us and set the example. And from those who’ve since developed and shared some very practical and applicable Biblical principles toward the value of resolving conflict.
Here, then, are 4 key checkpoints on the map to Biblically resolving conflict whenever it appears in our lives.
- When you disagree with someone, don’t talk about them, talk to them
Wherever possible, seek to have a private conversation face-to-face to talk things out.
Though we may be tempted, it’s typically not as effective or helpful as we expect, to immediately involve others in your issues and scandals with others. Solomon, attributed in the Bible to be one of the wisest men who ever lived, wrote in the book of Proverbs, that “open rebuke is better than secret love.” (Proverbs 27: 5-7) Solomon is saying that rebukes from a friend should be pursued and intended as loving correction. Even though they may be painful, they are typically of more benefit than the flattery, insincerity, or placation of an enemy. A genuine friend loves us at our best and our worst. Solomon goes on to say that wounds from a friend can be trusted but that an enemy multiplies kisses. A true friend stabs you in the front, not in the back. True friends sometimes wound us. They’re willing to tell us the hard truth, even when it hurts. We can trust their honest feedback; that it comes from a place of care and a desire to maintain or advance the relationship. If you know someone who is a Christian and maybe they’re doing something they shouldn’t be doing; because you love them, you go to them and confront them. If, instead, you don’t do this and let it fester, you will likely become more and more angry. Often when we have unresolved anger, we will be tempted to gossip and spread words about things we may not even know are true. It’s important that we first go to the person with whom we’re having the disagreement and seek to get the full picture and talk things through. Following what’s been called the Matthew 18 principle (See, also Matthew 18: 15-17) Jesus teaches us the steps of how best to confront one another when one of us is engaged in unrepentant sin. On the other hand, Solomon points out, an enemy only multiplies kisses. They tell you only what you want to hear and, in this way, serve as something of a false friend; a “kiss-up,” if you will, in order to maintain false fronts and keep peace instead of seeking to make it. We’re called first to be peacemakers over peacekeepers. This means, even when it may feel uncomfortable, we’ll have to put intentional effort and Christ-like care into our relationships if we want them to continue and develop. Beware of someone who does not have the courage to confront you when you need it.
- When you disagree with someone, listen to what the other person is saying.
You have your counterpoint, but do you accurately have their main point? Have you really tried to understand where they’re coming from and why they’re upset? Actively listen to actually hear what the other person is saying. Try to imagine and understand their point of view and why your differences are meaningful to them. Assume positive intent. This other person was put in your life for a reason and purpose. Don’t automatically assume they’re wrong just because they don’t think like you do. Your way may not be the only way. 4+4=8 but so does 11minus 3, and 16 divided by 2! Don’t let things escalate; don’t raise your voice; maintain a calm, non-defensive tone and continue at that level to see if they will match your demeanor. Don’t insult them or call them names. Don’t say things like “you always…” (because realistically, they don’t). Try to remain calm; continuously working to hear what it is they’re really saying and with a potential solution-oriented mindset.
Once you’ve fully and accurately heard their perspective, seek an opportunity to state your point of view. Hopefully, they’ll listen to you as well as you listened to them. Once both of you have genuinely been heard, now you need to try and find a compromise or reach consensus on how the two of you may resolve this situation. In Ephesians 4:26-27, the Bible teaches, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” Fight to resolve the conflict, not to win. If you go into the conversation seeking to win; then you lose even if you may think you’ve won. The objective should be to resolve, not win the argument. Practice and learn the principle of identifying the conflict as a problem the two of you are facing and then to attack the problem, not each other. Propose potential resolutions and be willing to hear those of the other person and bend a little where you need to.
Two people who are in relationship with one another, regardless of what form that relationship may take, can learn to be good for one another. Each of you brings both strengths and weaknesses to the party. Leverage your strengths and weaknesses to attack the problem. Be thankful (vs. resentful, jealous or even vengeful) that where you are weak the other person may be strong. Every one of us is going to experience situations where someone else simply has more experience or skill with something than we do. Each of us has been gifted with different skills, personalities and capabilities on purpose and for a purpose.
- Forgive the person you have the conflict with.
You don’t have to believe that they deserve your forgiveness. They don’t have to admit they are wrong or ask for your forgiveness for you to extend it to them. C.S. Lewis famously wrote that forgiveness does not mean excusing the other person’s words or behavior. Imperfect people, from time-to-time, are simply going to offend one another. We can’t always know, understand or relate to the things from someone’s past that motivates them to behave the way or say the things that they do. But we must learn how to forgive as we have been forgiven. If you do not learn to forgive, you will allow bitterness to take root in your soul. Bitterness can lead to the degradation, if not full-on destruction of a relationship. The Bible warns in Hebrews 12:15 that we should “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile (or corrupt) many.” Unforgiveness causes bitterness and trouble. Not only is forgiveness important for us spiritually, it’s also important, physically. Forgiveness can help you to be an overall healthier person.
The Bible teaches that we are to forgive others as we, ourselves have been forgiven. Later in the book of Ephesians, near that same passage we looked at earlier, Paul continues, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4: 31-32, NIV) It is also important to remember; before you can effectively forgive others, you, yourself need to be forgiven. Some of the greatest hurt we can experience is the unforgiveness of ourselves for our own misgivings. It is said that hurt people, hurt people. If you’ve not yet accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and Lord, receiving His forgiveness for every sin you have ever and will ever commit, now is as good a time as any. This is a critical step in your being able to forgive both yourself and others who’ve sinned against you. Talk to another mature Christian or Christian Pastor to learn more about how to take this critical step in your faith.
- If possible, reconcile.
Paul, ultimately reconciled with both Barnabas and John Mark. There may be times, no matter how poorly the other person may be acting or responding, that you may need to be the one to take the high road. Abraham went so far as not just to reconcile but to physically rescue his nephew, Lot. There was originally a parting of ways between them, but then, ultimately, a reconciliation. (See, also, Genesis: 12-14) Reconciliation may or may not lead to full restoration of the relationship. But, wherever possible, it is important for us, as Christ followers, to get to the place with other believers where we can, at the very least, forgive and resolve to love one another – even if it is in spite of our differences. (Romans 12:18, NIV) Do your part and allow God to take care of the rest.
Freedom isn’t free. Independence most often comes at some sort of cost. God has given each of us free will and minds to choose which way we will respond when we find ourselves in conflict with one another. You’ve likely heard it said that while you are free to choose, you are not free of the consequences (or outcomes) of your choices. When conflict arises, take the high road, make positive intentional effort and choose to do everything you can to be a peacemaker over just being a peacekeeper toward resolving, reconciling and (if possible) restoring the relationship. Forgive one another as you’ve been forgiven. Love one another as Christ Jesus has loved you. Pray for God’s wisdom, discernment, guidance, direction, correction (where necessary) and strength. When you do, you may find that your knowledge, perspective and genuine joy in life are expanded through the process.
Conflict resolution. It’s not easy but it’s worth everything we put in to it when we do our part in remembering how much God loves and cares for every one of us.
Right here with you,
Terry