Recently I’ve had multiple conversations with couples about what can go wrong in relationships. Over and over, it boils down to one thing – communication. Two people standing in their corners, expressing their version of the situation and not truly understanding the other person’s version.
Good communication isn’t just about expressing ourselves; it’s also about being good listeners. By truly listening to our partner, we show respect and open the door to understanding their perspective. It’s hard. By nature, we are selfish. It’s just easier if we get our way, and now we’re supposed to coordinate with another person.
Whether you’re new to the dating scene or in a more serious relationship, bettering your communication skills is always a good idea. Fortunately, the Bible has some tips to help! Here is what the Upward blog has to say:
Biblically-Based Communication Tips for Christian Couples
By Upward
5 Communication Tips from the Bible
You can always turn to the Bible for guidance in your relationships. And it’s no different when you want to learn about communication. Here are five communication tips for relationships based on scripture.
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Speak Kindly and Gently
Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
This verse reminds us of the power of our words. In relationships, it’s crucial to use words that uplift and encourage our partner. Harsh words can tear down trust, but kind and gentle words can strengthen the bond between you. Think about how your words can support and build up your partner, especially in moments of disagreement.
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Listen Before You Speak
James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Good communication isn’t just about expressing ourselves; it’s also about being good listeners. This verse encourages us to prioritize listening over speaking. By truly listening to our partner, we show respect and open the door to understanding their perspective. This can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts and make your partner feel valued and heard.
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Resolve Conflicts Quickly
Ephesians 4:26: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
Holding onto anger can be toxic in a relationship. This verse advises us to promptly deal with conflicts and misunderstandings, ideally before the day ends. Addressing issues quickly can prevent resentment from building up and help maintain peace and harmony in your relationship. It’s about finding resolution and forgiveness, even when it’s challenging.
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Speak Truth in Love
Ephesians 4:15: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
Honesty is foundational in any relationship, but how we express the truth matters. This verse guides us to combine truth with love. It means being honest with our partner in a way that is compassionate and constructive rather than harsh or hurtful. Communicating truth in love helps foster trust and deepen your connection.
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Encourage Each Other
1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
Encouragement can be a powerful force in relationships. This verse reminds us to be each other’s cheerleaders, offering support and positivity, especially during tough times. By encouraging and edifying our partner, we contribute to their well-being and growth and, in turn, strengthen the relationship. It’s about being a source of light and inspiration to each other.
So, when it comes to navigating communication in your relationships, keep these Biblically based communication tips in mind, and you’ll be on the right.
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Good stuff! These are some good basic strategies; yet, I have to add a caveat to #4 and #5. Over and over, we’ve counseled couples who have stumbled in this area; combining truth with love. This is not an excuse to be hurtful. We’ve so often heard, “But I was just being honest.” When a message is perceived as hurtful, the person you’re attempting to communicate with is more likely to shut down or go on the defensive. Basically, brutal honesty shuts down communication. Truth with compassion encourages communication. Truth without compassion or understanding is hurtful. This is a rather dreadful brand of reckless truth-telling, that is so often lacking in prudence and love.
When honesty would wound or deeply hurt your partner, when denial is the only way to protect a confidence given to another person, when telling the truth will greatly embarrass someone but has little other consequence, is truth necessary?
According to the Bible, telling the truth is significantly important:
- The Ten Commandments
Exodus 20:16, the ninth commandment, says, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor”.
- Proverbs
Proverbs 6:16-19 lists “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies” as two of the seven abominations to the Lord. Proverbs 6:17 also says that God hates a “lying tongue”.
- 1 Corinthians
1 Corinthians 13:6 says that love “rejoices with the truth”.
- Ephesians
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body”.
- Colossians
Colossians 3:9 says, “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices”.
- Zechariah
The prophet Zechariah told God’s people to “Speak the truth to one another”
So, although it is one of the most admirable traits in a person, how do you handle when the truth hurts feelings or exacerbates the situation for the one receiving it?
So what does gotquestions.org say about Speaking Truth with Love?
What does it mean to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)?
ANSWER
Christians often talk about the need to “speak the truth in love,” a command found in Ephesians 4:15. Many times what they mean is the need to share difficult truths in a gentle, kind, inoffensive manner. From a practical standpoint, we know that difficult things are best heard when our defenses are not up. In a loving, non-threatening environment, hard truths are more readily received. So it is biblical to share hard truths with others “in love,” in the manner that the phrase is commonly used. Looking at the context of Ephesians 4:15, however, gives us deeper insight on what it means to “speak the truth in love.”
In the verses prior to the command to speak the truth in love, Paul writes about unity in the body of Christ. He urges the Ephesians, and all Christians by extension, to “live a life worthy of the calling you have received” (Ephesians 4:1). He describes this life as one in which we are humble, gentle, patient, bearing with one another in love, and making efforts toward unity. Paul reminds his readers that we all serve the same Lord and are part of the same body. He talks about Christ giving apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers “to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ” (Ephesians 4:12–13). Having reached maturity, we will not be spiritual infants, easily deceived, and tossed to and fro “by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming” (Ephesians 4:14).
In this context—of church unity and spiritual maturity—Paul writes, “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). Rather than be spiritually immature and easily deceived, we are to speak the truth to one another, with love, so that we can all grow in maturity. We are to train one another in truth—the foundational gospel truths, truths about who God is and what He has called us to do, hard truths of correction, etc.—and our motivation to do so is love.
The “love” referred to in this verse is agape love, a self-sacrificial love that works for the benefit of the loved one. We speak truth in order to build up. Several verses later Paul writes, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Our words should be beneficial to the hearers of those words. We should speak truth in love.
Paul also counsels “to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of you minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:22–25). As members of the same body, we should not deceive one another. We cannot defraud each other through lies. Nor should we attempt to hide things about ourselves out of shame or in an effort to manage our images. Rather, as those who are part of the same body intended for the same purpose and united by the same love, we should be characterized by honesty. Those who love must speak the truth: “Love . . . rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). Dishonesty is unloving and abusive.
Speaking the truth in love is not as much about having a gentle demeanor as it is about the way truth and love go hand-in-hand. Because we love one another, we must speak the truth. Because we know the truth, we must be people characterized by love (John 13:34–35; 15:1–17). Jesus “came from the Father, full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). As His followers who are being conformed to His image (Romans 8:29), we should also be characterized by grace and truth.
Importantly, we are also called to love those who do not know Christ. The best way we can show love is to share with them the truth of the gospel. Apart from Christ, people are dead in their sins and destined for an eternity in hell (John 3:16–18; Romans 6:23). But in Christ they can receive new life and eternal salvation (Romans 10:9–15; 2 Corinthians 5:17). This is a message we must share. Peter wrote, “In your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15). We share the gospel because we love the people for whom Christ died. We speak God’s truth because of His love and in a way that clearly and unapologetically communicates both truth and love (1 John 4:10–12).
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To finish this up, let me just add this. Truth is about living a life in the light. It is about being honest about what you do. In a relationship, it’s being vulnerable about who you are. It is about risking acceptance. Truth is about showing the other person who you are.
Yes, it is also about being honest with your partner. But truth about your partner is a different truth and takes discernment. “Do these pants make me look fat?”, “Do I look older than other people my age?”, “Did I sound dumb?”, etc.
The answer is no.
Our words should be beneficial to the hearers of those words.
I try to always remember that my words should be edifying and uplifting to others. I certainly don’t always hit the mark, but I make every attempt to deliver truth with grace and a velvet glove. And, in my relationship, there are times the old adage “silence is golden” is the best path.
For God and you,
Deb Bostwick
Singles Blogger