Today’s marriages are under assault. A whopping 50% of first marriages end in divorce and that number climbs to 67% for second marriages. If you have the courage to enter into a third marriage, which many do, the chance of that marriage ending in divorce rises to 74%. It seems that we do no better on subsequent marriages.
But the news is not all bad. For couples who remain together through times of conflict, 86% report that, 5 years later, their marriage has improved. Ten years later, 80% of these couples report being very happy with their marriage.
What is the glue that holds some marriages together while others fall apart? The nation’s top relationship experts have been analyzing marriages for more than 30 years and have weighed in with their findings. Some of these findings may be simple and straightforward while others may be a little more surprising.
Rita DeMaria, Ph.D, author of The 7 Stages of Marriage, suggests that all marriages evolve through stages. The first stage is the Passion stage (no surprise here!). This is the honeymoon stage of attraction, love, bonding, and excitement. This stage can last for a few weeks to a couple of years. Back in the day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger called this the stage of insanity.
- I don’t think we need to go in-depth into this phase.
The Realization stage emerges as the honeymoon stage gives way to the cold reality that your spouse is only human and makes mistakes. This stage is characterized by disillusionment, disappointment, and early conflicts. As couples negotiate these conflicts, they lay a strong foundation based on acceptance, respect, and openness to change.
- This is an interesting phase. We just went through a divorce with a couple who didn’t make it through this phase. His first marriage, her second. When the reality of who they each are became increasingly apparent, they crumbled. Instead of laying a strong foundation, instead of acceptance, respect, and openness, they locked in, refused to grow, change and compromise. Boom!
The third stage is the Rebellion stage. Power struggles, the need to assert your individual needs, can lead to battles. The goal of this stage is to learn to fight well and emerge stronger as a couple.
If we are to live together, day in and day out, there will be conflict. Small and large. Learning to fight well in a relationship is key. Learning to fight well in marriage involves developing communication skills that allow couples to address disagreements constructively and without damaging the relationship.
This includes using “I” statements, listening actively, validating each other’s feelings, and finding common ground for compromise. It also involves recognizing when to take a break, apologize, and forgive, ultimately aiming to resolve conflicts and strengthen the bond between partners.
Here’s a quick look at key aspects of healthy conflict resolution in marriage:
- Effective Communication:
- “I” Statements:
Instead of blaming or criticizing, focus on expressing your own feelings and needs using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “You always make us late,” try “I feel frustrated when we’re late,” according to Focus on the Family.
- Active Listening:
Pay attention to your partner’s perspective, try to understand their feelings, and reflect back what you hear to ensure you’ve understood correctly.
- Avoid Escalation:
Don’t interrupt, raise your voice, or use inflammatory language. Stay calm, take breaks if needed, and focus on the issue at hand. I have to say taking a break or tabling the issue for now has been a great tool in my marriage.
- Choose the Right Time:
Schedule a time to talk when you can both focus and won’t be interrupted. Avoid having important conversations when you’re tired or stressed. I am a fan of having hard conversations in a public place. It’s not for everyone, but can definitely help control emotions and volume.
- Addressing the Issue:
- Identify the Problem:
Clearly define what the conflict is about and focus on the specific issue, rather than bringing up past grievances, advises firstthings.org. Bringing up past grievances, over and over, will kill you. Find a way to let it go.
Apologize, forgive, forget, move on.
- Seek Understanding:
Instead of trying to win the argument, aim to understand your partner’s perspective and validate their feelings. If you are trying to win or make your point, you are not listening.
- Find Common Ground:
Look for areas where you can agree and compromise. Be willing to give and take to find a solution that works for both of you.
Be willing to admit when you’re wrong and apologize sincerely. Also, be ready to forgive your partner.
- Building a Stronger Relationship:
- Reinforce Love:
Even during a conflict, remember to express your love and commitment to your partner. End the conversation by reaffirming your love for each other.
- Build Trust and Intimacy:
Healthy conflict resolution can strengthen your relationship by building trust, improving communication, and fostering deeper intimacy.
- Seek Professional Help:
If you’re struggling to resolve conflicts on your own and not making headway, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
Continuing on with the stages, as responsibilities increase, careers advance, and there are increasing financial investments, couples enter the Cooperation stage. The roles of household partners solidify as the responsibilities of family, household duties, work schedules, and vacations fill your days. This stage can last from 10 to 20 years.
And just to be clear, this stage is only boring if you let it be! This is where you must intentionally plan time together, romantic dates, and adventures.
During the Reunion stage (also known as Empty Nest – which, yes, many of us are in), adult children have been launched into their own lives, careers are well established, and couples have time together. This stage can include some tricky navigation as couples rediscover each other as lovers and friends.
For many of our second (and third) marriages, we move through these stages … passion, realization, rebellion, rather quickly, with little time to navigate. We jump over cooperation, as a lot of our careers, children and other adulting circumstances have come and gone. We often enter our marriages in the Reunion stage.
The Explosion state is characterized by job loss, health crisis, a major move, financial crisis, or any other unexpected major life development. The quality of one’s relationship can often deepen and provide a solid foundation on which to weather the storms of life. Conversely, it can crumble under the added stressors.
One final stage, Completion, is characterized by maintaining the love of life, laughter, nature, and each other as one ages. Couples are enjoying the present moment more and more and looking to the future. This can be a delightful time of enjoying each other as one grows closer, and life often slows down.
Maintaining and growing a marriage is challenging, exhausting, and rewarding. How do happy couples maintain strong, fulfilling marriages? In the best marriages, husbands allow themselves to be influenced by their wives. And vice versa. Wives allow themselves to be influenced by their husbands. Allowing oneself to be gently persuaded by one’s partner shows eminent respect for that person and helps build a solid foundation. This is the first building block for a strong marriage.
Trust, fairness, and balance are the second building block needed for a good marriage. “If you trust your spouse, you can give freely and happily. But when there is a lack of trust, spouses withdraw or manipulate or threaten,” says Dr. Terry Hargrave, Ph.D., author of The Essential Humility of Marriage. “Doing your share, not letting your spouse down, can go far towards repairing relationships and building love,” Dr. Hargrave explains.
A third building block in a strong, lasting marriage is having fun together. In fact, studies show that having fun is more important than one’s ability to forgive, problem solve, complete housework, or even the frequency and quality of sex. Connecting as friends, sharing a kind spirited humor or a warm, unhurried embrace lets your partner know you still find him or her attractive.
Along with enjoying each other’s company, giving solid, genuine compliments strengthens marriages. There is no such thing as too much appreciation. Studies show that it takes 5-20 positive comments to outweigh one negative remark. Finding life boring? Surprise your spouse. Unexpected gifts, breakfast in bed, or a note or card all help strengthen the marriage. Reminiscing about past holidays or life experiences draws couples closer together. Learning the art of forgiving your spouse and then forgetting the slight allows your relationship to grow and flourish. Finally, graciously overlooking your spouse’s flaws and gaffes allows your partner to be human but still loved and accepted.
It is never too late to improve your relationship. Statistics reveal that the world population is aging. Increasingly, people are living into their 70s and 80s. The ages of 76-85 are fast becoming the new middle age because more and more people in this age bracket have nothing physically wrong with them. Marriage has many benefits, including living longer, enjoying better health, greater wealth, and happier kids. We can build good relationships. Our marriages are worth fighting for. Understanding the stage your marriage is in and following some of the techniques to strengthen your marriage can lead to one of life’s most satisfying experiences.
Singleness can be great. Marriage can be great. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden.
And, if you choose to marry, choose wisely. Make a choice to create a holy marriage, characterized by mutual love, respect, and selfless service, mirroring the relationship between Christ and the church. It involves putting God at the center, prioritizing spiritual growth together, and actively seeking to reflect God’s love in the relationship. This includes humility, forgiveness, and a commitment to serving one another.
Both spouses actively seek to grow closer to God and encourage each other’s spiritual development. Husbands and wives treat each other with love, honor, and respect, understanding their roles and responsibilities as prescribed by their faith. Spouses prioritize the needs and well-being of their partner, seeking to serve and support each other in all aspects of life.
I think this can be characterized by the simple understanding that every day we “choose” our husband or wife. We choose love, choose marriage, choose our spouse, just as we choose God.
Ultimately, a holy marriage is a journey of growth, love, and commitment, where both spouses strive to reflect God’s love and character in their relationship. Imagine a triangle with God at the top and you and your spouse at the two bottom corners. As we draw closer to God, we grow closer to each other.
Bottom line, there is no such thing as marital bliss, maybe for that short period of insanity. Truth is, bliss comes and goes. Anger comes and goes.
There are days in marriage that are wonderful.
There are days that are exciting and days that are boring.
Some days are filled with joy, and days filled with grief.
There are days when you adore your spouse, and days, well, not so much.
Some days are God-filled.
The goal is to make all days God-filled, even the bad ones.